eternal summer in my spotless mind

so, i wore sandals yesterday. yes, i was aware that it was 2 degrees outside. but why should that stop me? it's summer somewhere, right? as i was thinking about how much i love sandals, flip flops, bare feet (whatever keep my toes free from the prison-like confines of shoes), while i lay in my ridiculously tall bed trying desperately to fall asleep this morning after work, it came to me: i need a summer birthday. i am 6 days away from turning 28, and i've never had a summer birthday bash. remember all the cool kids who got to have pool parties and backyard barbeques for their birthday? not me. i get february...28 days of FREAKING COLD! so, thanks to my stubborn, chilly toes refusing to believe it was too cold to be out yesterday, i finally had an answer for my wonderfully organized, party-planner of a roomate who's been on my case (in the nicest and most appreciated of ways, mind you) to tell her what i wanted to do for my birthday so she could spread the word. so i made the call and she ran with it. we're throwing caution to the wind and cranking up the heat for one night of summer in february. i can't wait.

twixters...twenty-something peter pans

TIME magazine has an article in the jan 24, 2oo5 issue that really had some interesting things to say of my generation. it of course tries to label us (as if we've not had enough labels already, thank you) quote: "They're betwixt and between. You could call them twixters. " the article goes on to talk about many veiwpoints and speculations on why the 20-somethings are seemingly taking longer and longer to "grow up". how so many are seemingly stuck between adolescence and those milestones of adulthood - marriage, family, house, career. you really should check out the whole article, but i want to share with you here one part that really struck me:

"But whatever the cause, twixters are looking for a sense of purpose and importance in their work, something that will add meaning to their lives, and many don't want to rest until they find it."

doesn't this sound like a generation that is seeking God?

happiness is

on my way home from work i stopped at a convenience store to buy some milk. i came up to the counter and plunked down my half gallon as the two clerks behind the counter shared their witty (or not so witty) early morning banter. the exchange ended up with a comment from the male clerk to his male customer, "women...you just can't make 'em happy." to which he received some positive reinforcement from the cutomer voicing his agreement in the metter. not to be outdone, the female clerk figuring on some similar comradery from me, looked at me and suggested, "yes they can, huh? give us money!" i had no response. a half-hearted shake of the head, feeling mostly disappointed in my gender, i paid for the milk and left. how different my answer would have been. as i drove home, sadness ate at me. how differently this exchange might have ended up if i had only taken a moment to speak, taken another second out my morning to tell this woman how wrong she was, how the source of true happiness and beyond that, true JOY was inside me and i could share it with her - something unexpendable, never ending. how many more people - moms and dads, teenagers, convenience store clerks, restaraunt servers, administrative executives - are there walking listlessly around this world with the same thinking..."money, that's the answer - i'm unhappy because i don't have everything i want." "marriage, i'm not happy because i'm alone. if i have someone to share this with, then i'll have arrived." "achievement - if only i can reach all my goals, make others proud, be a somebody, that's the answer." how can i horde the answer inside my soul? i'm happy. i'm SO happy. beyond that i'm filled with joy even when i'm UNhappy, because my hope is not resting in me or my circumstance.

so...what makes you happy?

motive...ay, there's the rub

God, i can't even sort out my own motives in time before i act. sometimes i even like to fool myself into thinking i'm simply trying to know You better, yet is there a selfishness even in that? do i expect or even just hope, even a little bit, that my chasing after You will yeild something for me? is that true worship? or is it selfish? i'm ashamed to say that at times i think i am seeking You harder to impress others. of course i want to worship You, i want to know You better, but the rate i am chasing You at right now...even though i'm not displaying it for others to see on purpose...do i secretly think that the growth i glean from my time with you will make me (a) more attractive (b) more impressive (c) more worthy...? keep me questioning myself. i need it.

belief of the infinite

what if i choose to believe it? believe it with ALL my heart, soul and mind...not the belief that causes one to thank Him when the sky is lit with purples and reds, or the belief that warrants faithful attendance and scripture and prayer, but BELIEF. belief that sucks the air from my lungs and makes me dizzy with the FACT that GOD is hopelessly infatuated with ME.
WHAT??? the pulse in my veins right now as i type, is owed to this...this being, this person, spirit, passion, inventor, whatever He is, or chooses to be...the electrical currents firing off in my brain right now as i form the words, and cause my fingers to clack against the keys, the very will that causes my body to move...all is a piece of Him. and i somehow know it. and somehow i've chosen to keep pieces of myself for myself. somehow i've managed to dull my senses enough to ignore the fact that i owe my every breath to someone else. and He crossed time and space to make Himself known to me. He...


i have no words.