Wednesday, January 12, 2005

motive...ay, there's the rub

God, i can't even sort out my own motives in time before i act. sometimes i even like to fool myself into thinking i'm simply trying to know You better, yet is there a selfishness even in that? do i expect or even just hope, even a little bit, that my chasing after You will yeild something for me? is that true worship? or is it selfish? i'm ashamed to say that at times i think i am seeking You harder to impress others. of course i want to worship You, i want to know You better, but the rate i am chasing You at right now...even though i'm not displaying it for others to see on i secretly think that the growth i glean from my time with you will make me (a) more attractive (b) more impressive (c) more worthy...? keep me questioning myself. i need it.

1 comment:

Star*light said...

Girl... What a blessing you are, just typing your heart out! Its Jenny, by the way, your long-lost sailor and harmony bud. I feel like we're back in the cabin or up on the sundeck chillin and chatting as I read your blog- I can hear that Ohio-accent and smell the starbucks as I read- DANG, u really are a good writer!

It sure is amazing how God brings you back to check a mail in His timing. Only tonight have I looked up your bloglink in the mail you sent me yages ago and discovered a whole other blessing that God had in store for me. How amazing is it, that, the weekend christian radio station that we have in Dublin, called Spirit FM, played "Historymaker"(Delirious?) just as I turned it on, which reminded me of our Doulos days. AND THEN, the finale... "The Heart of Worship"! This led me to think of you, write you a mail, check your previous mail and find your fab blog- wow!

So why did I comment about this blog particularly? You've been so rawly honest in it and its something I'm constantly seeking God about too- my motives to worship Him. In a way, my constant questioning may have been holding me back as I considered what other people thought way too much (like,"oh,she thinks she's so.. this, or that"). It held me back so much that I delayed committing to the worship team for fear of judgement of others (both positive and negative)... God's so done so much work there though and I know that fear doesn't have as much hold.

So then, the twist is that its both comforting and not so much to hear that someone else feels the same about motives in worship... what I mean is, we share a similar worry? But then, does God really want us to constantly compare ourselves to each other and then feel better when we see that others feel the same? Is that not then compromise seeing as he's formed us individually and given us the ability to commun with Him on such issues? (This is me talking to me by the way rather than presuming about you Amanda!).

There is that deep down wonder still in me, that, when I'm leading worship, is there that element of self worth and glorification inside me? I think what we are referring to is the constant battle between our flesh and our spirit to dominate. However, the more we commune with God, through Jesus, the more "i must decrease, He must Increase" makes sense. Am I making sense?

I'm reminded of some key words that bring my self-lens back into focus. I'll end with these words, that could not be more suitable, from a song, which, I think, will always remind me of you my friend..."I'm coming back to the Heart of Worship, and its all about You, ITS ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS"!! Amen! Love Jen.