further and further in my brain

stronger than last year, my eyes close
the stars can see me, the stars will meet me
on the ground
on the ground

summer's gone
and winter is never too far now
and my poor arms,
outstretched so long that my bones are now breaking
and there you come, with a smile that'd send any man to his knees
and i feel i've begun now that we're one now
now that we're one now

-Further Seems Forever
(How to Start a Fire #7)

i am hit by the words of this song.

"stronger than last year"... that's how i feel. my journal is jammed with conversations God and i have had and have, and i must say when i read back through the conversations the musings, sometimes the whining, i can't help but feel stronger than last year. i can't help but see myself a little bit more as God sees me...imperfect, yet covered by the grace of His Son.

you know ordinarily i'd say, "i love this song!" but i won't say that because i don't. the way that we know love is this: that Christ laid down His life for us. i would never lay down my life for this song. it's just a bunch of english words thrown on a page and set to music. not worthy of my love.

so, yeah...i'm trying not to use the word "love". it makes me think of the movie, "Roxanne" with steve martin. it's based on Cyrano DeBergerac (for all those literature/history/theater geniouses, sorry about my spelling, i'm not so sure on spelling that name). i could probably quote 90% of this movie; i've seen it so many times. but that's not the point. anyway, you'll have to watch the movie, see a play or read the book if you want the basic plot because it's hard to write it out in a consise manner. but here's the movie quote of which the "love" thing makes me think:

"i was a afraid of words. they're all used up on ads and tv commercials. how can you love a diaper? how can you love a car? how could i use the same word for you that someone else used for some dogfood?"

i feel like that with God lot. i use up all my words and have nothing special for Him. my vocabulary is too limited, to overused, too unoriginal to express His ...

yeah, see what I mean? His what? greatness? awesomeness? God-ness? there is nothing. maybe i should just start making up words. words that will be reserved for Him, words that can express an unexpressable God. here's my word for today to describe you Jesus:

you are absolutely, unequivocably Magnoperfectious. thanks for understanding.